


Grandpappi's Bacon Grease

by yugimoto



Series: Yami Kills Grandpa [4]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! - All Media Types, Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Gen, Humor, M/M, Parody, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:42:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25045576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yugimoto/pseuds/yugimoto
Summary: When Yugi wakes up to the smell of bacon grease, he knows he's in for a ride. His Grandpa isn't supposed to be eating this fatty foods! His doctor is going to kill him! Yugi storms down to the kitchen, ready to give his sweaty Grandpa a piece of his mind, until someone sets the Game Shop on fire (again)...was it Yami, or Grandpappi's bacon grease, OR was it someone else? Find out in this latest edition of Yami Kills Grandpa.
Relationships: Mutou Yuugi/Yami Yuugi
Series: Yami Kills Grandpa [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1842424
Comments: 9
Kudos: 11





	1. Of Slippery Socks and Greasy Grandpas

It was a brisk Saturday morning. Yugi awoke to the smell of bacon. Normally, this would be considered pleasant; however, Yugi lived with his grandpa. And his grandpa was _not_ supposed to be eating bacon. His doctor had told him after his tenth visit to the hospital with the same problem. His cholesterol has become dangerously high. Yugi groaned and cursed under his breath. This day was already a disaster, and it was only 5:30 AM.

Yugi ran down the hall and nearly fell down the stairs. _Stupid baby socks._

**_You should be kinder to your socks, Yugi. They might be seeking revenge after what you did to their brethren last night._ **

_Shut the fuck up, Yami. I don’t have time for this. My grandpa’s doctor is going to kill me! The hospital has him on the DNR list as it is! I refuse to be responsible for his funeral. He is not even allowed to be an organ donor because his arteries are clogged with fat._

**_You—_ **

Before Yami could speak another word, the gurgling sound of his grandpa’s voice filled the house. He was singing his own version of The Crew Cuts’ classic, “Sh-Boom” He replaced the words with Yugi. All of the words. Yugi banged his head on the wall intentionally before storming into the kitchen. 

“ _Grandpa—”_

“Sh-Yugi Sh-Yugi YUGI YUGI YUGI YUGI—

“Grandpa! What the fuck are you doing?” Yugi seethed. “Your doctor told you YESTERDAY to stop eating all of this bacon! You just got your arteries unclogged for the eighth time in a row. You just had your tenth gastric bypass surgery. I can’t believe you! Our insurance—if we even have it still—is going to drop us! Again!”

“Good morning, grandson!” Solomon said, flipping a slice of bacon on the pan. Smoke was filling the kitchen. He liked to cook his bacon to the point where it became charcoal. Suddenly, the fire alarm within the kitchen started to ring. _BEEP BEEP BEEP._

“YUUUUGII? Who’s at the door?”

_BEEP—_

“Grandpa! That’s not coming from outside! It’s the fire alarm!”

_BEEP BEEP BEEP—_

“The WHAT? I can’t hear you, Grandson!”

“The FIRE ALARM! Are you kidding me?”

Solomon scratched his greasy head. Dandruff snowed all over the floor and into the pan. He liked the extra flavor. “The...fire alarm? I thought I removed those batteries the other day!”

Yugi’s blood pressure skyrocketed. _Ocean. Think of the ocean._ “Grandpa…” he breathed, “You can’t take the batteries out! _You_ are accident prone, and we live with a literal pyromaniac! Don’t you remember when the pharaoh burned this place to the ground?”

“Yes, I do. What a nice young man. He suggested I remove the batteries from the carbon monoxide detectors too, what a helpful fellow. I don’t even know what carbon monoxide is!”

_BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP—_

_Yami! What the—Are you trying to kill my Grandpa with a gas leak?_

There was no response.

Yugi tried to reel himself in yet again by thinking about the ocean and how he found that delicious piece of ham that had a slight taste of rum. It was the only happy memory he could think of.

_BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP—_

“Yugi! Help your grandpa cook this smoked bacon.”

“No! Grandpa, turn off the stove now! You’re not supposed to be eating this! You practically burned it to a crispy anyway!”

“That’s the secret, Yugi!”

The stove then caught on fire. “OH, NO!!!!!”

“YUUUUUUUUUGI WHAT ARE WE GONNA DOOOOOOOOOO?!” Grandpa shrieked in fear. “At this rate, there will be no grease left!”

**_Easy work! Let’s leave, Yugi._ **

“No, Yami! We have to help my stupid, greasy grandpa!”

“I love you too, Grandson!”

_BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP—_

Grandpa then smashed the fire alarm with his bare, meaty, sweating hands. The fire stopped immediately, leaving a pool of thick grease into the burnt stove. The bacon, however, was burned to charcoal. Just how he liked it. The smell of burnt bacon and thick grease reminded him of his childhood. 

“.....How did you do that, Grandpa?” 

“My dandruff quenched the flames, Yugi! Just like baking soda!” 

“I...am going to throw up, Grandpa.”

“MMMMMMMM!” His grandpa drank the greasy bits of…“food.” 

“Yugi, before you go potty, have some of this delicious bacon grease. It’ll make your bones strong.”

“.....No. I don’t want to end up in the ICU like you!”

**_You should give it a try, Yugi._ **

_Are you serious right now? Shut the fuck up you stupid Pharaoh! I’m literally your host, if I go down, so do you!_

**_I hope your pathetic Grandfather shoves his bacon grease down your throat._ **

_“GET OUT!”_ Yugi roared out-loud, tearing his Millenium Puzzle off of his neck—chains and all—and throwing it directly at his Grandpa’s sweaty face. Luckily for his grandpa, he missed and instead broke the microwave (which was also covered in grease residue). He retrieved his puzzle—which fortunately wasn’t damaged— before running outside of the kitchen towards the entrance of the Game Shop.

Only to be faced with none other than Ryou Bakura at quarter to 6 in the morning.

_BEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEP_

“Oh, hello Yugi!” Bakura smiled. “Why, I was on my 5 AM walk, as I do every Saturday, and I came across your lovely Game Shop, which appears to be open! How is your... _Grandpappi_ , is it?”

“I don’t have time for your shit right now, dumbass Bakura _—”_

“Why, Yugi! Such language! I’m hurt.”

**_Indeed._ **

“YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGIIIIIIIIIIII,” his Grandpa bellowed like an obese sea lion. “COME DRINK THIS GREASE.”

“Did he just say...grease?” Bakura frowned.

Yugi ignored him and dragged the poor British boy into the Game Shop. Grandpa aggressively waddled towards them, embracing Bakura into a sweaty hug. Bakura squirmed like a worm.

“Grandson! You’ve come back!” He cheered.

“Mr….Grandpappi, I’m not _—”_

Bakura was then dragged by Grandpa into the kitchen. Now it was time for Yugi to escape. He ran and ran, not looking back. He got a few blocks away before he had to stop. His little legs were protesting too much. 

**_Yugi...I thought Bakura was your friend._ **

There was a moment of silence, and then both Yugi and Yami burst out laughing. 

_That was a good one, Yami. Okay, we’re free men—man...now I guess. What should we do for the rest of the day?_

**_You have your deck, right?_ **

_Yeah…_

**_There’s your answer. Go duel that pigeon._ **

_I hate you! Damn it, spirit! We were finally getting along and starting to form a slightly healthy relationship, and you make fun of me and that BIRD like that? What the fuck? I was being NICE. I am NICE. I’m a good person, Yami!_

Yugi looked wistfully off to the horizon, ignoring Yami’s bitching. He hummed the same song his grandpa had been singing before. Then he felt nauseous thinking about the grease. At least having one little pan of burnt bacon wouldn’t be immediately life-threatening.

The Game Shop then exploded into a raging fire for the second time in the past month. 

**_Ah...Now what was it you said about being a good person, Yugi?_ **

“Fuck!” Yugi shouted. “What the hell just happened?!” 

Meanwhile, in the Game Shop…

“Mr. Muto, I appreciate your kind offer, but I don’t want this...bacon grease.” Bakura shrugged away. 

“No need to be so formal, Yugi! It tastes better than it smells!” Grandpa cheered. He slobbered his tongue over his grease slicked plate and began to moan obnoxiously. “It’s like the Massage Envy essential oils, but for my stomach…. _mmm,_ ” he huffed the grease deeply, inhaling its burnt scent. “This is worth the clogged artery, Yugi!”

Bakura needed an escape plan, but couldn’t think of one with the overwhelming smell of burnt bacon, grease, and the fire alarm still beeping. It was going off for over an hour. Bakura was already dizzy from the fumes and potential carbon monoxide poisoning. Both the ones coming from the smokey bacon, and the ones being emitted from the sweaty elderly man in front of him. He braced himself using the kitchen table. “Sir...I think I have 

a meeting to go to…”

“But Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugi, I thought we were going to use the leftovers to make burnt bacon stew. We have a ton of bacon grease saved over the year. The grease is so thick it’s as hard as a rock in the fridge now, but warming it up by rubbing it on your belly should do the trick.” 

Solomon went on to demonstrate, while Bakura was in complete terror with what was going on. Just then, Tristan decided to stop in to say good morning to the Mutos. 

“How’s my favorite—” Tristan paused as he saw Solomon rubbing bacon grease over his stretched stomach, while Bakura sat there in sadness, and their kitchen half-burnt due to the fire from earlier. He immediately walked out and ran away. Tristan Taylor was certainly not involving himself in this latest disaster today, no-sir-ree.

Bakura groaned in exasperation as Solomon’s bacon grease began to melt on his stomach. 

“Uhm, I have to use the men’s room. Where can I find it, Mr. Muto?”

“Yugi, you should know where your own bathroom is. We had this talk last night. Did you wet your baby starlight pajamas again?” Grandpa chuckled.

Just as Bakura scuffled away to the “bathroom”, the smell of gas abruptly arrived into the kitchen. Solomon obviously couldn’t detect the smell, due to the bits of bacon grease that found their way into his nose over the years. 

“What a lovely morning this turned out to be! I think I’m going to open up the window to let in some fresh air! Or maybe, I’ll light ten candles!” Grandpa smiled. 

He walked to the window and opened up to let the whole world smell his creation. His neighbors screamed at the sight of his naked, sweaty body. His thin robe offered no protection. “Now, where are those matches?” He found the pack of matches and as he moved to light the first candle, the smallest drop of grease rolled down from his beard, to his hand, then to his finger, into the match. The grease accumulated every single flammable chemical over the past year. 

“SH-YUGI SH-” He lit the match.

_BOOOOM!_ Coupled with the high level of gas (Tristan was unconscious from breathing it in), the fire caused a huge explosion. The curtains caught fire. The year’s collection of bacon grease erupted into flames. So did the chairs and table. Tristan awoke. 

“Oh boy! Fireworks. Is it your birthday, Grandpa?”

Meanwhile, Evil Bakura kicked down the door from the bathroom. “Aha! I am here, fools! Here to burn down your _—_ ” he paused. “What in the?”

_“YUUUUUUUUUUGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!”_

“Oh, no! Where is Yugi?” Tristan cried out, leaping onto Solomon to use his body as a shield from the fire. “Yugi, save us!” he shrieked. He ripped the pipe out from under the sink and began striking it against the wall. The wall collapsed, and he grasped at Grandpappi’s greasy shirt. 

The Evil Bakura stared at the sight before him: a trembling, crying Tristan grasping onto a sweaty, greasy, meaty, revolting old man for dear life, who was also screaming and crying for his “stupid grandson” to rescue the day.

“I...suppose my work here is done. Too-da-lo, see you later Mr. Muto!”

As Evil Bakura walked away from the Game Shop, which was engulfed in flames, whistling. Yugi arrived on the scene. He wasn’t shocked that the Game Shop was on fire again. He _was_ shocked, though, that Yami wasn’t responsible this time. 

“Damnit, Grandpa!” He even saw Suspicious Malicious Evil British Bakura leave, but knew that this sloppy grease fire was his grandpa’s doing.

“Ugh, I guess we have to save grandpa again..” Yugi groaned. As he walked towards the entrance, however, a thought dawned upon him. He paused. Why in the hell should he be the one rescuing his fat Grandpa? 

**_Yugi? Why are you standing still?_ **

_Because I’m not going to rescue my Grandpa in this grease fire. It’s time for a new era. A new era WITHOUT that greasy man. Do you know how much I pay for his hospital bills? Only for him to drink straight up grease every day? His doctors have threatened ME, like it’s my fault! He is alive but well into the rigor mortis phase._

**_LIVOR Mortis, Yugi! Are you kidding me? Do I pay more attention in your pathetic school than you? You know, this wouldn’t have happened if you just had a sip of your Grandpa’s bacon grease, Yugi. That poor man slaved over that bacon grease all morning and you pushed him away. Now look, your stupid Game Shop is on fire again._ **

_Then you go do it! I take it back—I am a bad person! Your move, bitch._

Yami gasped.

Just before Yugi took his first baby step, he noticed a figure in the flames. It looked like an obese penguin emerging from the embers. 

“....You can’t be serious.” Yugi shook his head.

It was indeed Grandpappi, carrying Tristan in his meaty, sweaty arms.

“YUUUUUUUUUUGI! Wake up, I saved you!”

The real Yugi looked on with disgust. They were still in the game shop. The year old bacon grease he lathered onto his stomach like thick body lotion from Bath & Body Works acted as an unbreakable shield from the flames. You would think that would make him more flammable, but combined with his PH, dandruff, flakes, liver spots, sweat stains, and fireproof clothes that Yugi forced him to wear, he was essentially immune from burns.

“GRANDPA! I’m literally standing right here in front of you!” Yugi howled over the flames. 

“Oh! There you are, my grandson!” Solomon then dropped Tristan onto the floor, who screeched in pain. “Oops…” he muttered. “Who are you?”

“ _Tristan! Tristan Taylor!_ ”

“Oh, the blonde girl?”

“What _—NO!_ That’s Mai Valentine!”

“Who?”

Tristan groaned and jumped onto Grandpa’s back like a sweaty horse. “Yeeeeehawww!! Get us through these flames!”

Grandpa neighed and galloped through the flames. 

As Grandpappi and Tristan rode off into the bright morning, Joey wandered next to Yugi. Furry suit and all.

“Uh..Yuge, why is your Grandpa’s shop in flames again? And Tristan riding him like a horse or somethin?” Fire trucks began to swarm the collapsing Game Shop.

WEE-WOO WEE-WOO 

“Oh no, Yugi! Your baby starlight pajamas were in there! Those were limited edition!” Grandpa shrieked, still giving Tristan a free pony ride. 

“Who cares about my pajamas? The _money_ is in there, you fat hog! Pegasus isn’t going to refinance it this time!” 

“ _Pegasus?_ _Hog?_ I am a PONY, Yugi! Pay attention to meeeeee!” 

Yugi seethed and stormed away to pace back and forth. He just needed some space from his pony grandpa who smelled disgusting and clearly had no grasp on the current situation.

As the flames roared, Solomon’s bacon grease that he stored over the past year started to explode. 

“OH, NO!” Grandpa screamed. He fished a flash of vodka from the pocket under his man breasts. Like how a kangaroo carries their young, Grandpa carries the essentials within his folds. “I knew I shouldn’t have mixed it with my gun powder…”

“Ooooooooh, is it your birthday?” Joey spoke with excitement.

Grandpa sipped from his flask briefly before chucking it into the flame explosion. **_BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM_ **

_“GRANDPA! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?”_

_“_ A pony my age doesn’t have to deal with fires, Yugi!” 

Just as Yugi was about to walk away from his Grandpa forever, he heard water crashing into the Game Shop. As he turned around, he saw none other than Mako Tsunami, standing in the remains of the Game Shop. 

_To be continued..._


	2. The Greasening

“Mako?” Solomon Muto asked. He looked up at the taller, healthier man, who was shirtless for some unknown reason. He has aged gracefully, unlike Solomon, where his years of constant drug abuse has finally taken its toll on his body. “Ah! My one night stand. How are you,  _ freaky  _ fish guy?”

Yugi vomited all over the sidewalk. He hadn’t eaten anything in a day, so it was mostly dry heaving. 

“Aye, Yug. What’s Mako doin over here?” Joey asked while completely ignoring the sound of Yugi’s pain.

“Solomon! My good friend. My  _ very  _ good friend.” Greeted Mako Tsunami. He picked up the pudgy wrinkly man. “Come with me, Solomon. We’re headed to our new home in Australia!” 

“...Australia?” Yugi pondered.

**_At least he’ll be gone forever and you can finally live your life without the fear of being forced to have burnt bacon grease every meal._ **

_ Yami...It’s not *every* meal...but you’re right. I really should’ve had a growth spurt years ago. My doctor is really worried about me. And my psychologist. You’re right. I see your point. _

**_Oh come on, Yugi. Wouldn’t you like to be carried around like Solomon?_ **

_ What do you— _

“Wait a sec, Yug. Isn’t the International Card Expo in Australia this year?” Joey asked while still in his furry suit. He began to take a liking to being sheltered from the chaos that was caused by Solomon.

“Yeah, I think you’re right Joey. I don’t have any money though. Grandpa blew it all away on foreign bacon. He kept saying he wanted to have the highest quality grease in Domino Ci—”

“I STILL DO YUUUUUUUUUUUGI!” Solomon shrieked as he was carried away by Mako. 

“Don’t worry, bud! I still have some leftover cash from being the runner-up from Duelist Kingdom. I’ll vouch for ya!” said Joey. 

“Shouldn’t you have put that in your savings, Joey?”

“Yug, I’m lucky I’m not in jail at this point.” Joey said, “We both know I have no future.” He chuckled darkly. Yugi took a step back and tripped over the curb.

**_Heheheheheh._ **

“Shut up, stupid pharaoh!” Yugi hissed. He mopped up the blood with his sleeve. His knee was bleeding profusely. The sloppy stitchwork Grandpa performed once when he fell down the stairs was coming undone. He’d be lucky if it didn’t get infected. In fact, he’d be lucky if he lived to see the end of the year.

Later that night, Yugi was in the cafe buying tickets to the I.C.E. It was weird not having his grandpa obnoxiously shouting his name for an extended period of time. For once, Yugi was not reeking of remnant bacon grease. He felt like a new man...kid?...whatever he was. 

Yugi sighed. “I wish Mako would have told us where exactly his house is in Australia. I don’t want to run into Grandpa during my vacation.”

Suddenly, a woosh blew through the street. Yugi looked up in surprise. He shrugged it off and searched for more hotels. The door to the cafe swung open.

“You can’t be serious...”

“OH YUUUUUUUUGI !!”

There he was, in the driver’s seat of his brand new Mercedes, the hood of the car embedded in the cafe window. Drips of coffee were dripping onto the hood. There was some squirrel blood on his dashboard as well. Yugi knew it had come from the squirrel, because the corpse was stuck under the windshield wiper. A bottle of unidentified lotion also exploded in the Mercedes which Yugi did not want to think about. It was most likely lotion for his diaper rash. Yugi knows this because everyone at school gives him wedgies as they utterly humiliate and harass him. Sometimes, Yami’s spirit joins in.

“GRANDPA!! What the fuck! First of all, why?! Second of all, how did you know where I was at?!” shouted Yugi.

“I installed an i-Yugi tracker, Grandson! It allows me to track your every move, so I can hang out with you whenever I’m bored.” Solomon said while having the biggest grin on his face. Completely ignoring the carnage he created in Yugi’s favorite coffee shop. It was ruined forever and Yugi became the first and last banned for life customer. 

“Solomon, you were speeding.” Mako said from the passenger seat.

**_Isn’t your grandpa legally not allowed to drive? After all, he’s almost as old as I am and that’s saying something. Have you considered using him as a human sacrifice? This was quite common during my era, Yugi, and_ ** — ****

“I thought you two were in Australia?!” Yugi yelled, attempting to silence the voice in his head that was telling him to murder his grandfather.

“Well, before we left, I told Mako that we should buy a car so that we can save on airfare!” Solomon grinned, exposing the chunks of bacon between his teeth. “I like this car. I paid for it with the insurance money.”

“You’re kidding me!” Yugi hissed. “That was to rebuild the game shop, damnit! Where are we gonna live now?” He ignored the fact that you can’t drive through the ocean.

Solomon picked a big chunk of dirt out of his thumbnail, which had a sheen layer of fungi. Solomon only bathes twice a month, after all, to ensure his bacon oil fully absorbs into his hair and body. “I don’t need to provide you with housing, anymore,  _ young  _ man. You are eighteen now. Get a job, you lazy bum. I owned the Game Shop my entire life, I deserve this Mercedes!”

The manager of the cafe approached the car sticking out of the wall. He sighed. Yugi figured that this teenager wasn’t getting paid enough to deal with this. Much like any other customer service worker that interacted with his grandpa, this kid looked pale and miserable.

“..Sir, I need you to remove your vehicle out of the cafe right now. Do you have your insurance card on you?” the teenager asked.

“Sure thing!” Solomon pulled out a handmade insurance card that was drawn with crayons and had faded drops of bacon grease on the sides. On the bottom right corner was a picture of him and Yugi holding hands. “Here, this is my insurgence.”

“Sir…”

Yugi left immediately. He was not about to get roped into their

Nonsense. Though he did feel bad for the manager.

***

The next morning was the big day. Mako and Solomon made

their way out of Domino City and to the wondrous world of Australia.

“I can’t wait to see Big Ben, Mako! I’ve been waiting all my life for this!” shouted Solomon.

“Solomon, I don’t think -”

“Grandpa, you forgot this jar of bacon grease in the ashes of our game shop that I HAVE TO CLEAN UP BY MYSELF.”

“oOoOOOOOooOO, 1978...that was a good year. That was right before my little nuisance of a grandson was born into this world. I regret your birth ever since. ‘My parents are on a business-trip’ my ass!”

Solomon labeled the year he made his premium bacon grease on the jar. It looked to be moldy around the edges and was emitting a putrid stench.

“Just take it, Grandpa.”

“Oh yuuuuuuuugi, I told myself I wouldn’t cry, but I guess this means I won’t see your furry friend ever again.”

Yugi ignored the fact that he didn’t say he would miss him. The feeling was mutual. Strongly mutual.

“Well Solomon, it’s time to head on down to Sydney.” Mako said, linking hands with his new partner.

“Okay! I’ll put it in U-Gear!”

U-Gear was a position Solomon made up in his head to think that he could drive his Mercedes underwater to Australia. 

Yugi swore under his breath. He knew that couldn’t be good. Would his grandpa even survive if he drove again with his fake license? He couldn’t believe Mako Tsunami was stupid enough to let Solomon drive.“If I walk away now, it won’t be my problem..” he assured himself. Yami laughed.

The car spun out of control, as his deranged grandpappi forgot how to drive immediately. When Grandpa was younger and more mentally stable, he was usually driving under the influence of heavy narcotics. It was the ‘70s. He now usually forces Yugi to drive for him. Yugi had been driving since he got the Millennium Puzzle. At age eight. Even though he couldn’t reach the pedals well, he was still a better driver than his grandpa. He began to turn the wheel aggressively and his beloved “Bacon Grease Chateau ‘78” started to spill over himself and the gear stick. The grease was so chunky and old that it locked the stick in drive. Determined and filled with hope, Solomon pressed down on the gas and headed to the sea. This would be his chance to test out the non-existent “U-Gear”

“SOLOMON, HIT THE BRAKES! WE’RE HEADED TOWARDS THE SEA!!” Mako shouted.

Filled with pride, Solomon drove off the pier and into the sea.

“THIS IS FOR YOU, YUUUUUUUUUUUUGI!!” 

**_How touching, Yugi. Did you hear that? Those may be his last_ **

**_words on this earth and he dedicated them to you. How sweet._ **

_ Stop making me feel terrible, Yami! I didn’t ask him to go crash into the ocean and drown in his broken car with his lover who is maybe three years older than me! I’m literally so traumatized right now. _

****CRASH****

“OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY BEAUTIFUL BOAT IS SINKING!” the once excited grandpa shrieked. 

“Solomon, we need to leave this car now! We hit a fire hydrant and it’s just the water hitting the car!” Mako pleaded.

“Are you kidding me?” Yugi screamed, running over to the car. “You hit a damn fire hydrant! Get out of the car! Our insurance is gonna drop us for sure now, Grandpa. What the  _ fuck?  _ Mako, how could you let him drive AGAIN?”

“This is a fire hydrant?” Grandpa opened his car window, only for the pressurized water from the hydrant to come streaming into the car. “OOOHHHHH NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! WE’RE SINKING!!!!!!!!!!! YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII I AM GOING TO DROWN I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SWIM COME HELP ME—”

“ _ GET OUT OF THE CAR!”  _ Yugi slammed his fists onto his Grandpa’s window. 

_ “I’m too young to die, YUUUGI!  _ Call a beautiful lifeguard to come help your grandpa.” Grandpa tried to do a K-Turn from the fire hydrant, only to come crashing into the fire hydrant once again because he didn’t know what the difference between ‘R’ and ‘D’ was on the gear shift.  _ Stupid snowflakes _ , Grandpa thought to himself.

A crowd of bystanders was forming on the sidewalk corner.

_ Yami, a little help here? _

**_Nah, thanks though!_ **

“Uhh, Yug? What’s goin on with your grandpa?” Joey stumbled onto the scene. 

Yugi kicked a nearby telephone pole before responding as calmly as he could. “He tried to drive into the ocean so he could get to Australia quicker, but hit a fire hydrant instead. Now, he thinks he’s drowning in the sea.”

“YUUUUUUUGI, YOU’RE NOW THE SOLE OWNER OF MY BACON GREASE COLLECTION!” Solomon shouted as he was scratching this windshield to escape the car.

“NO, GRANDPA! Get out of the car! The police are on the way.” Yugi screamed. His voice was beginning to hurt from the amount of yelling he was doing. “Why does my life get worse and worse?” He looked down at the Millennium Puzzle.  _ Makes sense. _

**_I am deeply offended, Yugi! I thought you wanted to be with me forever *sniff*_ **

_ Are you - are you mocking me right now? _

**_Are you mocking me right now? Good Ra, Yugi, it would do you well to grow a pair._ **

“MY BALLS ARE FULLY INTACT,  _ thank you!”  _ Yugi screamed in front of everyone. 

“I’m sure they are, Yug…” Joey assured him, patting his shoulder.

Mako eyed Yugi. “Nah, I don’t think so.”

_ “GET OUT!” _

Yugi looked at the stream of pressurized water. When was the last time he’d drank anything? He promptly fainted. It was Yami’s problem now.

**_I refuse to help._ ** Yami said to Yugi’s unconscious soul. He turned on his favorite game Just Dance.

* * *

Joey cradled Yugi’s unconscious body like he was a baby. The police finally arrived on the scene.

“Need a hand?” 

Joey turned around in confusion, only to find Duke Devlin by the scene of the crime.

“Don’t worry, everyone! I’ll save this poor old man!” shouted Duke.

He took a step back and began to run towards the car. 

“DIMENSION THE DICE!” Duke threw his dice to break Solomon free from his water prison. The dice flung back at Duke, hit him in the head, and knocked him unconscious. What a waste. 

“I am enjoying the pool.” Solomon said, forgetting where he was again. The bacon grease began to infuse with the water. “It’s like a water slide! Weee!” Grandpa slid down his car seat, clapping his hands like a seal. “Furry boy, are you marrying my grandson? Why are you holding him like that?”

“He’s my best friend!” Joey cried. Tears spilled down his cheeks. He gently placed Yugi on the ground. “Wake up!” he wailed, rolling Yugi’s body into the water from the fire hydrant. Joey then got on all fours, and, as the furry boy he is, crawled towards the fire hydrant. “Well, I have to pee somewhere…”

The crowd watched in disgust. A woman pulled out her pepper spray and sprayed the furry in the face. 

“BACK AWAY, DOG!!” Joey hissed like a cat, his eyes teared even more. A policeman cuffed him, ignoring the safe word Joey was screaming. “YUGEEEEEE, WAKE UP! I’m being arrested again! He’s not listening to my safe word!” 

**_I...take me back to Egypt please._ ** Yami decided to finally take over Yugi’s unconscious, dehydrated, traumatized, body. He licked some water off the ground and rose to his feet.

“What is this? Bits of bacon?”

Solomon, completely ignoring the chaos that he created AGAIN, swam around in the pool of water, bacon grease, and a hint of Joey’s fursona’s pee. 

“SOLOMON! GET OFF THE GROUND NOW AND HELP!” Yami furiously shouted. “YOU WANTED TO RETIRE TO AUSTRALIA AND INSTEAD YOU BOUGHT A CAR, CRASHED NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE!”

“Vrrooom, vrrroooooom,” Solomon replied. “I like cars that can move fast. The ladies  _ and  _ the men love it. Unfortunately, that Marco guy has left.” He said in reference to Mako Tsunami. 

Yami picked up the man by his greasy, sweaty collar, dragging him over to the nearest police officer. “Arrest this abominable man immediately. He caused this damage and did a hit and run on the cafe earlier. AND he started a fire just this morning.” Yami looked over at his furry friend and sighed. “How much money for bail on the furry?”

“20 yen.” the officer replied. 

“...Seriously?”

Yami ripped out the wallet from Solomon’s pocket and gave over the money.

“Can I keep the handcuffs?” Joey asked. “It’s more fun when people respect the safe word.” He glowered.

“YUUUUUUGI, DON’T LET THIS MAN TAKE ME AWAYYYYYY!” Solomon pleaded, as he tried to swim out of the officer’s grip. They walked over Duke’s unconscious body. 

“You did this to yourself, Solomon. Now the whole world will no longer be subjected to your chaos anymore.” That reminded him.  **_Yugi._ ** Was he dead? He hadn’t heard Yugi utter a single grievance which was rare for the malnourished teenager. 

**_Yugi?_ **

**_Are you dead?_ **

_ Yes. Inside. _

**_I’m done with this, nonsense. Your move._ **

Yami got up, wiped away the mixture of water, bacon grease, and urine and went to find another cafe to buy the plane tickets to the I.C.E. 

_ ** Two Weeks Later ** _

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we are now approaching 3,000 feet. Please keep all electronics off till given instructions to turn them on again. Thank you. Also, whoever is dressed as a furry, please remove your clothing, you are disturbing the children.”

“Finally, I can relax knowing that I’m on my way to the International Card Expo and Grandpa is safe in prison.” Yugi smiled.

*Sniff*

“What’s that awful smell?” 

“Sorry, Yug. I tried holding it in, but a dog’s gotta go when he’s gotta go!” Joey smirked.

Yugi scoffed and continued to smell the horrible stench. 

“Wait...this can’t be.”

Yugi looked up and noticed grease dripping from the top luggage shelf from his seat. He cautiously opened the door and out sprung Solomon wearing his favorite see-through babydoll nightgown. His stash of five week old bacon fell to the ground with him. The plane went into turbulence as he fell onto the ground.

“YUUUUUUUUUUGI, I FOUND YOU AGAIN!” Solomon gleefully shouted. 

“NO! NO, NO, NO!”

“Yes, yes, yes!”

“Woof!!” 

_ To be continued... _


End file.
